Surrogacy Read online

  Surrogacy

  Our Family’s Journey

  James Phillip

  Copyright © 2017 James Phillip

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study,

  or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents

  Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in

  any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the

  publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with

  the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries

  concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

  Matador

  9 Priory Business Park,

  Wistow Road, Kibworth Beauchamp,

  Leicestershire. LE8 0RX

  Tel: 0116 279 2299

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

  Twitter: @matadorbooks

  ISBN 9781788030182

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  For Lily, Leo and Olivia.

  In loving memory of our Nana,

  1917-2017

  Contents

  Faraway Shores: A Life of Preparation

  Imagining a Family

  Discovering our Pathway

  Profiles and People

  The Gift of a Sister

  Creating Life

  Disappointments: Bumps and No Bumps

  The Gift of a Partner

  Fresh Eggs

  Message in a Bottle from a Faraway Place

  Double the Joy!

  Heartbeats and Hopes

  Clinic Problems: Panic and Patience

  Growing Bumps for Boys and Girls

  Returning to Normal

  Midwives

  Becoming a Family

  Preparing for Thailand

  Surrounded by Love: Announcements

  Mozart and Milk

  A Long Flight: It’s Too Early, Please Wait!

  Fifth Hospital and Home

  Hello, I’m Your Dad!

  Learning to Love

  Chasing Paperwork: Passports and Bureaucracy

  London Calling

  The Future

  Chapter 1

  Faraway Shores: A Life of Preparation

  It was only twenty-four hours since I’d plucked up the courage to email the doctor to introduce myself, and in less than a day I had already received three profiles of women, one of whom could become the biological mother of my child. As the ping of the email from the IVF clinic sang from my phone, I experienced a huge rush of adrenalin, and my heart was thudding. I was racing to open the attachments containing photos and lifestyle information about these women who wanted to be egg donors. Would I have the chance to meet them? I wanted to meet them! I had to meet them.

  I opened the attachments at the same time and gazed at them all, wondering if this was real. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I imagined, and dared to believe for the first time that I could be a dad, and one of these women could be a vital part of the jigsaw which would make that possible. I was petrified it might be a con. Would these women donate their eggs and allow another woman to carry their baby? My baby? Would they even be told if the recipients became pregnant? Hang on a minute. I could be a dad! I really could be a dad, and these women could enable me to have a family. Would they do it? Would they back out? My mind was jumping months and years into the future, and my heart was pounding deep inside my chest. So many questions … I charged back to my apartment to get to my laptop so I could print off the profiles – I couldn’t read or see them properly on my phone, and I wanted to examine every minute detail.

  A few days earlier, I had celebrated Christmas and I was now back home in London after a wonderful break with my goddaughter, Lily, and my friend, Emma, Lily’s mum. After all the festivities – including watching Lily, who was nearing her fourth birthday in January, excitedly open her presents – I was beginning to plan my return to work. Although I had thought many times before about becoming a parent myself, this was my moment to take my chance and make it happen. Having spent yet another wonderful Christmas with Emma and Lily, I knew I wanted to be a biological father. So, a few days after I had received the profiles of the egg donors and pored over the photos and descriptions for hours on end, I made my decision on who I would ask to meet to see if there was a match. I replied to the doctor to confirm my appointment at the clinic. As soon as I had sent the email, I felt so happy and excited; I wanted to tell the world that the journey had finally begun. I was going to be a dad, and this was the first, most amazing step towards how that might happen.

  * * *

  Years before, I had spent my twenties working relentless hours as an area manager for several restaurant chains around the UK. I had a great life as a gay man at that time, living in London and enjoying the fast-paced lifestyle I could lead there. The working week was tough, so the weekends were for enjoying time with friends and socialising. As I fast approached 30, I wondered what life would eventually look like for me, but spent the time investing in the apartment that I’d bought in Maida Vale – meticulously restoring and modernising it over the years I lived there. My relationships were intense and romantic, but I never really believed in marriage for myself to another man as this was not legal at the time. I was often puzzled where my life would lead if I didn’t have the conventional marriage to a partner and, ideally, begin a family. Deep down that’s what I wanted, but I didn’t see that among my friends. I only caught glimpses on TV or in the media of a gay couple who had a family, which appeared to be such a big story, and it just seemed odd to me. I began to think that starting a family wouldn’t be for me. I carried on with life, wondering what the future would hold and whether there would always and only be redecorating my home and going on holidays – sometimes alone, or with friends or a partner.

  My hobby of restoring and modernising apartments had led me to open my own business in my thirties, running a property company. I was always searching for something that seemed to be missing from my life and, feeling that having a family was not an option for me, I kept looking for other ways to fill my life. I thought the business would be the missing piece of the jigsaw which would give me a better work–life balance and let me achieve my goal of running a successful company. The buzz and stress of growing my own enterprise was time-consuming and exciting, but I still wondered who I was doing this for. I had no partner, and obviously no children, around me, so my celebration of success was lost and I began to long for a family of my own. They were who I was doing this for and they didn’t exist. They couldn’t exist. Or could they? Subconsciously, I decided to wait for a partner who also wanted a family, and then I imagined we would go about this together. In the meantime, I would work and travel with my friends. My ordeal of not having my own family would continue, and I would watch my straight friends begin theirs. I would wait. Again.

  At this time, my sister-in-law had a baby girl, Poppy – my niece, and the first grandchild for my parents. The baby arrived safely, and I was so happy for my brother and his wife as I watched their lives change dramatically and did what I could to help. I loved every minute of spending this amazing time with them and cherished all the wonderful changes it brought. Everyone was so thrilled. I watched Poppy grow into a beautiful little girl and w
as delighted to see reflections of both my brother and his wife in her personality. Watching them grow as a family seemed so precious, and I questioned why it couldn’t be the same for me. This was what I wanted too, and I started to explore what my friends would think if one day I became a father, and to discuss with them how that might happen. I suppose I had reached the point in my life when I felt ready for a family, but I also felt fearful of how difficult it might be for me.

  Later that year I was travelling with my friends in Thailand, chatting openly with Emma and our friend, Gina, about my hope of becoming a father one day. I knew at this point that I wanted my own child, and that both the process and option of adoption was something that I would embrace if having my own biological child proved impossible. As we chatted about possibilities, the girls encouraged me. I stored that conversation in my mind, appreciative that my friends would be supportive if I had a family.

  During our travels Emma met Lex, whom she fell in love with, and after a few months romancing on the island beaches, she found out she was pregnant. She emailed to tell me the good news. I rang her immediately on an internet phone and our shrieks of excitement could be heard for miles around. I was thrilled to be asked to be godfather to her child, and was more than ready for the wonderful new role I would take up in the next few months.

  Lily Woods was born safely in January 2010 at Surrey Hospital, after an eventful fourteen hours of attempted home birth in Dorking. Lex couldn’t get a visa from Thailand in time to be at the birth, so I did my best to be on hand to step in as needed. I was anxious whether Emma would be well afterwards and Lily would be born healthy, but all the months of planning and helping Emma meant I was excited and emotional when Lily finally arrived safely. As I held her in my arms, just a couple of hours after she was born, I instantly felt blessed to be her godfather and was so happy to see my best friend with the child she had always longed for.

  As Lily grew and the weeks and months passed, I was learning so much about parenting a child with Emma that my title of GaDa (godfather) evolved to Daddy James. I was involved in every step of the way: all the nappies and bathing and, after a few months, the countless bottles of milk to prepare at exactly the correct temperature, plus the endless sterilising of everything in our path. I was truly honoured to be a godfather to Lily. Even though she is not my biological child, there really is no difference in the love and family values we all give to each other. Each smile she gives me, or the tight cuddles, or the drawing she has meticulously prepared for me, fills my heart with love and joy. Her father, Lex, still lives in Thailand but has been to visit England, and we have been to Thailand to visit him a few times too. My role, although only part-time, at least gave me the confidence to look after a child, and after helping with my niece, Poppy, I really enjoyed my roles of uncle, godfather and dad to Lily. At her christening, just before she was one year old, I wrote and read the following speech:

  Across distant shores on tropical beaches

  Friends met friends and became family together;

  Beautiful fate took her course and a wonderful miracle was born.

  Guardians were ordained and embraced their role with open hearts, love and wisdom;

  A snug of warmth and safety.

  From opening her eyes to small firsts – first smile, first tooth – she created delight for all spectators;

  Future firsts, along her path, for her friends and family to celebrate,

  We look forward to. In anticipation we prepare;

  Like buzzing bees, mother and daughter are always busy,

  Occupied in their curiosities and pursuits, working as a pride.

  Regardless of unpredictability ahead,

  She will always have her family and friends to love, educate and support her.

  With open-mindedness, room for freedom of expression and independence, our experience will guide her.

  On this christening day, another phase of her future begins;

  Forward of this blessing, she will always be surrounded by angels.

  Through this passage of life, the laughter and tears, the hopes and fears,

  We will always be by her side.

  I embraced my reading at her christening and felt every word as I read it in church. I enjoyed writing the piece and felt it really captured how Lily had arrived, how she had become my family, along with my unquestioned responsibility for her as a godfather. I love her dearly and enjoyed people’s reactions to the piece. I loved that everyone felt I had captured the moment and documented my dreams and wishes for her and our future together as a family.

  Chapter 2

  Imagining a Family

  As the years passed, I often thought that if I had a biological child he or she would be a brother or sister for Lily, a godson or goddaughter for Emma. I never really planned in detail how that would happen but wondered how a new child would fit into our lives and how it would impact on the time I could spend with Lily. I knew increasingly that I wanted to explore any possibility of this coming true and discussed the exciting opportunities with Emma. As I was still not in a relationship and time was passing, I decided that I would investigate the prospect of becoming a single parent. Of course, I carefully considered both the positive and negative impact it might have on Lily, but I only came up with one answer: try.

  Through my friends, Gavin and Peter, and their baby, Liam, who had been born via surrogacy overseas, Lily and I were invited to a gay surrogacy group for dads and dads-to-be. Taking Lily along as my goddaughter was a fun way to introduce her to families with two dads. I was excited to be invited along to meet parents who had had their families via surrogacy or were looking into their options for doing so. The first meeting I attended in the summer of 2013 was in a stunning café in Battersea Park on a beautiful sunny day. When we arrived, everyone was so friendly, and Lily seemed to be one of the oldest children there. Although not born via surrogacy, Lily introduced me as her dad and we walked in proudly. She enjoyed helping feed baby Liam and playing with the other children.

  I had sat and observed Lily playing with her friends thousands of times at nursery, but in this group of kids, born from surrogacy to gay dads, I could really envision what my family might be like. In fact, Lily was the first to announce her arrival at the gathering by telling everyone she too had two dads. It took a bit of explaining to convey that Lex was not my partner, but Emma’s. However, our eclectic family gradually became a little clearer to everyone, and they could see just how much it meant to me to have a biological child. Everyone gave me great advice and encouragement. It was a reality – these families existed because someone had been generous enough to carry a child for them and allowed them to become grateful families. It seemed so natural to see all these dads and their children and hear all the stories of how their families had been created and how other people were involved in the process of bringing their children into the world. I spoke to one couple who were planning to visit Thailand to start the procedure of selecting an egg donor and surrogate. It was a familiar concept to me now – going overseas to start a family – and I was captivated by this couple’s story. Thailand seemed to be calling me, but I hadn’t realised it yet.

  At another of the gay surrogacy events, my friend, Lucas, sent me some details of one particular IVF clinic in Bangkok that had had great success creating families for gay men all around the world. I read through their website and joined an online forum on Facebook, some of whose members were clients and had had their children via the same clinic. On the forum there were also a lot of couples, both straight and gay, who were in the process of having their own children there. It was fantastic to interact with other people who were going through the process first-hand with this clinic, and on their recommendation I decided to take things a step further.

  Dr Levi came highly recommended by both straight and gay families. Reading about his success in helping to crea
te families for straight couples who had been trying to start a family for years was inspiring. I knew that people were going to Thailand and to this doctor in particular because of his success rate and, I assumed, because the cost was much more affordable than in Western countries. All this made the option of trying IVF and surrogacy there much more achievable.

  So, at Christmas I felt comfortable about approaching the doctor in Bangkok to discuss the possibilities of starting my family with them as a single gay man. I was getting mountains of advice about what would need to be done after the birth, but none really about the first part of the process. After reading through all the profiles sent to me from the clinic, I happily discussed, via email, what options would be open to me, as the information online was mostly for straight couples. I had difficulty finding anyone who was having their own biological child as a single parent. However, my appointment was confirmed, and now it not only felt real, it was really happening. I had made an appointment at a clinic that would not only introduce me to a potential egg donor, but it would also match me with a woman willing to carry my baby via surrogacy. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wait to get on the plane in a few weeks, walk into the clinic and see if this could all work. In the back of my mind I knew it could and hoped so much this would help me to create a family that I could only just allow myself to dream was possible.

  Chapter 3

  Discovering our Pathway

  Reading and rereading the email attachments giving details of the six women offering to be egg donors was enlightening to say the least. Some of the names didn’t match from the attachment to the one listed on the profile, and unhelpfully the email simply said: ‘Please consider the women in the attached files.’ The names also seemed to be changed slightly in translation, so I was worried that I might decide to meet one woman and perhaps be introduced to another.