Surrogacy Read online

  I opened Katie’s profile first, and straight away I was drawn to her because of her big, beautiful eyes. Every PowerPoint slide had a few photos of each girl and typewritten answers to questions from the IVF clinic. As I read through the remaining profiles with all the personal information collated, such as their menstrual cycle, current children, height, weight – even a note that they must declare any previous or current sexual infections – I wondered what it was that was driving these women to donate their eggs. This was something I noted down to ask when I met them because I felt that had to be done face to face. Now I had to decide which three women to meet, so I began making my shortlist.

  I considered what the relationship would be like with these women if I chose them or, indeed, if they accepted me with my different family circumstances. I knew that further contact with the egg donor would be one of my top deciding factors, if not the most important. I thought about what it would be like for the egg donor to see her biological child being brought up in another country, as she may be beginning or extending her own family. I envisioned what visiting her would be like for my biological child, and at that very point I knew how important it would be to me that this was agreed before confirming that any eggs would be donated, so that everyone knew what we wanted for the child and from that future relationship.

  In choosing an egg donor, I wanted as much information as possible about her family and medical history, as well as to meet her and determine if we would be a match – not something you would normally be privy to when starting a family. I sent copies of the profiles to Emma and my mother. I wanted their help and input into whom I would choose to meet. After some discussion, we decided on three girls, and I wrote to the clinic to tell them of my request for medical information. I also mentioned that I wanted the donors to be able to have future contact with the child, and I wanted to know that they were open to this before I committed. I wanted the child to have the option to know their biological mother from whenever that would be appropriate as I could only see questions ahead if we were to have no contact. As the women I had chosen didn’t have any of their own children yet, I understood this was a huge thing to ask, an option that many – if not most – egg donors are neither allowed to have, nor would want. Here I was, trying to negotiate such a huge request with a daunting language barrier facing me and no relationship yet with the clinic.

  Finally, the date was booked to meet the three egg donors, and I was off to Thailand. I was so excited and nervous leaving London that I could barely think about anything else. My hands were clammy and I had butterflies in my stomach. I was fearful that the women would not turn up or that they wouldn’t be happy to donate their eggs to me. I was worried that all of this would not be real. Although in the back of my mind I had been thinking about this for years, now it was here it completely dominated every minute of my waking day and my dreams at night too. I was imagining the future all the time and couldn’t wait to start a family. Now the time suddenly felt right, and with things moving so fast already, I was glad to be making all these plans in my head, becoming prepared for each scenario as I replayed them in my mind. Of course, I still had to deal with all the practicalities of registering with the clinic and finding an egg donor and a surrogate to carry my baby.

  Chapter 4

  Profiles and People

  I arrived in Bangkok after a few days’ work in Hong Kong and Singapore and was feeling really happy but very nervous to be meeting everyone, including the doctor and his clinic staff. I’d had an email to say that the first girl I was supposed to meet, Anada, couldn’t come to the planned meeting at the clinic the next day when I was to meet everyone with the doctor. Instead, she would come to my hotel with a translator from the clinic the night before. I felt very strange about meeting Anada as I knew the language would be a barrier and I was going to be asking her some very personal questions. However, I agreed and messaged her to say I would meet her and the translator in the lobby of the Banyan Tree hotel. I knew from her profile that she hadn’t donated eggs before and that she was a beautiful twenty-one-year-old woman. The clinic said that she really wanted to meet with me and couldn’t come to the clinic the next day due to her work commitments. In retrospect, I should have insisted that she come to the clinic as I was feeling underprepared with no staff there from the doctor’s office other than the translator. I was also worried about asking the wrong questions, being misunderstood or not getting the correct information returned.

  I have been staying in the Banyan Tree in Bangkok now for many years, and Blossom, the Director of Rooms, has welcomed me to the hotel many times. Over the years, we’ve always remembered each other, but recently I have been travelling to Thailand more, both for work and on holiday, so we have got to know each other well. She had met Emma and Lily and helped them travel through Bangkok when they came to meet me on holiday in Hua Hin on a previous trip. So when I found out that the first egg donor was going to meet me at the hotel, I asked Blossom if she could kindly help me with accommodation for our meeting. I explained to her that I was considering starting the process of having my own biological child via surrogacy, and she was delighted for me. I asked for a comfortable area, which would be private but not too impersonal, somewhere we would be able to order tea so that I could try to put Anada at ease and not be too anxious myself. A room was set aside for us. I had my questions prepared and written down, and all that remained was to make my way to the lobby to meet my first potential egg donor. My palms were sweating and I was bursting with excitement. I could feel the stress throughout my body.

  Anada was running late and had got lost. I called her to see if I could help her find the hotel and to tell her not to worry as I had the rest of the evening and was in no rush. She spoke very little English so I’m not even sure she understood me completely, and I was surprised that she wasn’t with the translator already. When she arrived, though, I recognised her instantly from her profile and was amazed at just how beautiful she was. I was so nervous. I welcomed her to the area we had set aside to chat in, and I then understood that the translator couldn’t make it that evening as it was a public holiday. Anada had decided to come along anyway in the hope that we could meet and manage to understand each other a little. I quickly asked if Blossom could translate for us. Thank goodness she was on hand to decipher all of those personal questions and Anada’s answers. In return, she learned more about me and my family than she had discovered in all the years we’d known each other. I ran through the questions, struggling to make notes, as I was completely distracted by Anada and hearing why she wanted to donate her eggs. After all, that was the first question that had come to mind when I initially received the profiles in the email.

  Anada’s story – that she wanted to help her family financially – touched me, but I was struggling to connect with her and wondered if this was just a language barrier or the stress of meeting late and translating through Blossom. I wanted the egg donor to be a part of my family and that of my child, albeit at a distance, but I needed a connection or spark. I have often wondered how people pick a donor from a profile yet never meet, and sometimes never even see a photograph. During the whole meeting, I was tense and pretty glad when it came to an end. I felt even less prepared than I thought I would be and remembered lots of questions that I didn’t ask. I did, however, ask if I could take a picture of us both together, and she asked the same of me. After she had gone, I looked at the photo many times and thought a lot about whether I would pick her. I think in my heart of hearts I knew that night I wouldn’t. The connection between the two of us just didn’t fit. I felt very anxious about the next day, having to meet the other two donors, all the staff and doctors at the clinic, provide my blood and semen samples and go through all the agreements and sign all the paperwork too. No pressure.

  Strangely enough, the next day I felt much calmer as I went to the clinic as planned. I knew I was meeting Katie and she was my first choice on paper. Everyone at t
he clinic was really friendly and it was lovely to see lots of people at all different stages of their own journey. When I met Dr Levi for the first time, I was full of expectation and trepidation, as I had heard so many wonderful things about him on the forums online. His clinic was covered in lots of photos of new families, and it felt like a really welcoming place. He interviewed me, and we talked at length about my current family and why I wanted to become a father to my own biological child.

  I became more and more relaxed as we chatted; I was able to envisage that this could actually happen – here I was sitting in the doctor’s office talking through the logistics and even the costs involved. We discussed my plans to extend my family and have a brother or sister for Lily. I showed him photos of us all and explained my reasons for choosing a Thai egg donor as opposed to a Caucasian one. I had thought long and hard about this decision, as it would have been just as easy for me to have a Western egg donor there. One of my friends had recently told me of his difficulty fitting in as a half Chinese, half Scottish boy growing up in Scotland, and feeling neither Scottish nor Chinese. His story had stayed with me, and I didn’t want to unnecessarily expose my own child to potential prejudice. I wanted my child to have affection for his or her own cultural background and feel part of both, but all of one and the other too. My decision to go ahead with a Thai donor was based on the fact that Lily was dual heritage – half Thai in origin – and that my child would be born in Thailand. Choosing an Asian egg donor felt right for me, from the very beginning when I had only a glimmer of imagination about having my own family. However, I had to check if this was the right thing to do for the child who would be brought back to the UK having a dual heritage background. Every time I asked, the answer that came to me was ‘yes’ since this would reflect where the child was from and allow us to explore both cultures as a family.

  At the clinic I gave my blood sample – traumatic enough with my fear of needles – and was led to another room to leave my semen sample for testing and potential freezing for the IVF process. I anxiously waited for the results of both tests and was told that everything was in healthy working order and they were able to freeze three vials for the future creation of the embryos. More than enough to start our first cycle. Everything was moving so fast. In just twenty-four hours I had met one egg donor, completed my registration with the clinic, been interviewed by the doctor and his staff, prepared my DNA for the IVF and was waiting to meet more potential egg donors. It was mind-boggling to think that this was all moving so fast. My thoughts could hardly keep up and I had to concentrate as best I could to keep everything running smoothly.

  I waited apprehensively to meet the remaining two donors. Eventually, I was shown into the meeting room where Katie was seated. I was amazed again at how beautiful, well-mannered and humble she was. I wanted to gaze at her and see if I could imagine her being the egg donor for my new family. I was much less anxious this time and felt able to ask questions freely and have them translated by one of the members of staff. I showed her pictures of my family and explained my plans for having my own biological family. I really enjoyed meeting her and I couldn’t stop looking at her. I thanked her for meeting with me, and no sooner had we sat down and asked all our questions than the chat was over. As I had done with Anada the previous evening, I gave Katie a small gift of tea I had bought in Hong Kong, along with the agreed fee for meeting with me. Each egg donor was to be paid a fee of around £20 to cover the costs of coming to the clinic. I explained through the translator that the clinic would be in contact as soon as I had met everyone.

  I met with the third girl immediately after this, but my mind was still on Katie and her big, beautiful eyes and her wonderful smile. I wanted to call her straight away and ask her if she would be kind enough to donate her eggs. I took photos with both girls, though, and no sooner had the whole day begun than it was drawing to a close and I realised I still had to be taken to the surrogacy house. I was exhausted and wanted to process the whole day in my mind. But at the same time I was adamant that I needed to visit the house, as I wanted to know where my surrogate would be living while carrying my baby. So, as tired as I was, I knew I would have even more to think about when I got back to the hotel in the evening.

  Travelling around Bangkok can be thrilling and scary at the same time. The temperature outside was hot and the smell from the drains hits you hard. Then again, the delicious street food smells can make your mouth water. The noise is deafening and recognisable as Bangkok – all the tuk-tuk horns and the constant ringing of bells and chanting from the temples. I couldn’t stop thinking about all three girls and how fast everything seemed to be going. I was prepared, as much as I could be, for my arrival at the surrogacy house, and I was glad that I had been visiting Thailand for years, as the cultural differences were huge. For example, everyone takes their shoes off before entering someone’s home or a temple – one of the traditions I respect and like, and taking part really can make you feel welcomed by the Thai people. I was escorted by a staff member from the clinic to the house, and I realised that if I wasn’t completely happy with what I found and how the women were being looked after, I couldn’t in all conscience continue. There were around fourteen women there, sometimes three to a bedroom and all at different stages of their pregnancies. All of the women looked well and rested, but I could only think that it would never be like this on such a grand scale back in the UK.

  The lady who ran the house showed me the kitchen and where all the food was kept, and I realised that the women were being well looked after. I was aware that perhaps the woman who would carry my baby might live here, and it felt right. I was glad I had gone to see the house, and I sat for a while in the living room chatting and laughing with the women. Soon afterwards we were off in the car back to my hotel. This would give me a chance to try to digest the day I had just had and start to make my decision, even though I knew deep down I had already made it – I wanted to ask Katie to be my donor. But I also wanted to look at the photos and recount the conversations to make sure my decision was correct. After a full and unforgettable day, I chose Katie. I sent an email to the clinic to confirm this before going to sleep and highlighted the need to clarify, once again, that she would be happy with future contact should a pregnancy be successful and we have a baby.

  When I woke up the next morning, the clinic had already replied to my email, and Katie had reconsidered my request. Unfortunately, she would be unable to provide any future contact on the advice of her mother. In Thailand advice from a parent to a child is regarded very highly and most often taken. With this information and feedback from her, I knew that she would not change her mind and go against her family. I was upset but understood that this was a big enough decision for anyone and that future contact was something the women were not expecting or had even considered before meeting me. Resolute in my acceptance that this wasn’t going to be the easiest part of the process, I decided not to progress with the other egg donors I had met. I was leaving Bangkok now for three weeks and told the clinic to approach more egg donors. This time, seeing as the doctors had met me and now fully understood my requirements, I believed it would be easier for them to explain my requests to the women, and I would be well versed in choosing one on my next visit.

  The very next day I received an email concerning two women who were prepared to be surrogates. I was looking forward to meeting them, but at this point I didn’t even have an agreement with an egg donor. Later a further email followed with three more potential donors, all happy to meet with me and open to future contact with the child. I had never been more excited! I had met all the staff now, and everyone understood each other. Communication with the clinic was fast and responsive. One of the profiles that came through was for a woman called Autumn. She had her birthday in June and she was twenty-one. She looked very beautiful and natural in her photographs, and I was instantly drawn to her even though I was still disappointed about Katie. I already knew I would ask he
r to donate if our meeting went well and she understood what I was looking for. Things were moving fast and I wanted to keep up.

  Chapter 5

  The Gift of a Sister

  Three weeks later I arrived back in Bangkok, eager and determined. I was thrilled to be there and confident that I would be able to make an agreement with a donor and also choose a surrogate. The intricacies of choosing both at the same time and synchronising their cycles to make a successful pregnancy possible seemed a huge logistical challenge. However, after it was all explained to me, I was even keener to meet with everyone, see how soon we could get started and what our timeline might look like.

  I saw Autumn arrive and wanted to run up to her and introduce myself but managed to stay calm and patient. I recognised her from her pictures, and she was even more striking in person than I could have imagined. When we met I instantly warmed to her. Her reasons for donating her eggs were very honest and I respected that. She was doing it to help her family and earn the money she needed for her university fees. I was able to chat for longer with her and go through my photographs, and she showed me photos of her handsome brother and herself. I was able to see what the male side of her family looked like, and in the photograph she and her brother seemed really close. I made a mental note of that. I found myself making wild assumptions that she must have a close family. Everyone looked happy, which in turn gave me a nudge to ask if she would be my donor. I had a very brief conversation with her – only a few sentences about my choosing her as a donor and what it would mean to me in the future for us to meet up again after the baby was born. I felt so privileged to have been able to have this conversation with Autumn, and right there and then the decision was made. I willingly met with the two other potential donors, but my heart was with Autumn. I asked the Practice Director to confirm with Autumn again that she was happy to donate her eggs to me. She was, and she started her fertility drugs the very next day to encourage ovulation. That was also the day I was to meet with both possible surrogates. Meeting with women who could be going to carry your child is mind-boggling and nerve-racking. I was in complete admiration that they would even consider this. It’s a completely different commitment to carry someone else’s child. The first woman didn’t speak any English, so I was fearful that I wouldn’t be able to communicate with her if she did become pregnant.